Going Back to Work Monday Makes being a Mommy is Harder than I Thought

Soon I’ll be posting about the decor in Jack’s nursery, but it’s still a work in progress. Plus, I’ve been spending as much time as I can just being with my Mr. Man. I have to go back to work on Monday. I am dreading it. I should be happy to be returning to adult conversation and a fun job , but every time I think of leaving my little guy I start crying. Yesterday I was comparing these sad tears to my happy tears the night we brought him home.

I sat in his room with my pets at my feet, my husband at my side, and my baby in my arms. While I was sitting there, “Danny’s Song” popped into my head (I’d been watching a lot of Raising Hope), and even though I’ve heard that cheesy song a billion times before, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so blessed.

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

There’s nothing I could possibly say about that moment that has never been said before. There are so many common sayings about mom and baby that we’ve heard a million times, like it’s an unbreakable bond, or my baby knows the sound of my heart from the inside. I’ve heard these so often it almost takes away from the beauty of being a mother. That’s because none of the cliché sayings can do justice for the pure happiness of having this new little gift in your life. It is indescribable. Giacomo really is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

Tummy Time!

Tummy Time!

If I ever wondered what my heart and soul would look like if they were embodied into something physical, I couldn’t have possibly imagined until I saw my child. He is my whole of everything. I’m still amazed that he is even here.   I spend the day taking care of him and soothing him. He is a crier who wants nothing to do with a pacifier, so I spend a lot of the day rocking him, walking him around, and nursing him.

And now I have to go back to work. Jack’s crying has gotten a lot better, but I wish I had more time at home to help soothe him more. I know he’ll be in good hands, he’ll be staying with family, but I’m still anxious about him. I’m worried that he’ll feel like I’ve abandoned him or like I got tired of his crying and just passed him off to someone else. I remember being a little kid and just wanting my mom. I didn’t know my mom was probably wanting me just as much, probably more. I know he’s just a baby and doesn’t have these complex thoughts, but how do I know how do I know he’s not feeling that way? I just hope that being with family who love him helps.

I get really embarrassed when people see me cry. Even during my happy crying I talked about earlier I hid my face.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day on Monday without embarrassing myself and crying. The idea is so stressful that I actually started to break out in hives. I’ve only gotten stress hives 4 times in my life: our best friend’s sudden passing, when my house burned down, When I took on my wedding, Master’s thesis, and buying a home all in the same 2 months, and when I broke my patella. I guess going back to work is the 5th major stress of my life that causes an ugly, weird hive rash.  Sounds awesome, right?

I asked my Facebook mommy friends how they handled going back to work and it was unanimous. There’s no way to avoid feeling sad and I should let myself cry. I also realized that this is just practice for the future. One of my friends, my former professor, told me that parenthood basically boils down to learning how to let your child go over and over again. So maybe this is a good thing. One day Jack will go off to kindergarten. He’ll travel for a sports team. He’ll head to high school and spend all his time with his friends and girlfriend. He’ll leave for college. He’ll move out forever. I’ll never want to leave him; I’ll always want to be there for him and make his life easier.  I’ll always have to. These small goodbyes will happen all throughout his life, and I’ll have to start getting used to the emotions of being a parent and the reality that I will be crying a bit more.

If you are a stay at home mom, know that I am incredibly jealous of you. I would love to stay at home and take care of Jack as my full-time job, but I have those stupid things called bills that need to be paid. I am trying to be positive by thinking things like now I can have a nice savings for Jack’s college, or now he will get a chance to look forward to seeing me and he’s so young he won’t remember the separation. It’s still so tough.

Do you know what else is making letting go a bit easier? Stepbrothers. It just came on. I don’t want Giacomo to turn out like Dale or Brennan. As much as I love laughing at the shenanigans, I will smack the sh*t out of Jack if he’s destroying my house, freezing my purse, and crashing my boat at 40 years old.

My babes

My babes

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2 Months with Mr. Man: I’ve finally organized my Bump Pics!

Last week we celebrated Giacomo’s two month birthday, and on Valentine’s weekend he was 9 weeks old.  He’s so stinkin’ cute if I do say so myself.  His crying is getting better. Just look at one month compared to two months! He likes to be held upright so he can see what’s going on around him, so I think once he is able to sit up and hold his head up more he will be even better.

He's already grown so much!

He’s already grown so much!

I’ve only just met the little guy, but I feel like I’ve known him forever. It’s hard to think of life before him, even after only 9 weeks. Part of me can’t wait for him to play and talk and move around more, and the other part wants him to stay little and cuddly. Every coo and giggle he gives makes me so happy, and I’m trying to take in every one because I have to go back to work in 2 weeks. I should be happy about it because I got a promotion while I was out. I’ll be going back to adult conversation, creative work, and a reason to dress in something other than jeans and sweats.  I’m slowly becoming more optimistic, but that isn’t an easy task. I still haven’t been able to think about going back to work without shedding a tear or two, or a million. So I have to stop talking about it before my keyboard breaks from getting wet…

Mommy's favorite valentine! (Sorry Matt)

Mommy’s favorite valentine! (Sorry Matt)

I finally put together my baby bump pictures. I started taking the pictures around when I started telling people I was pregnant, and the later in my pregnancy the more consistent I was about taking the pictures. I really haven’t looked at them at all. I think I started to “pop” at 20 weeks. I got so huge so quickly; I gained 50 pounds while I was pregnant! I really wasn’t a binge eater or anything like that. They say you’re only supposed to gain like 20 pounds. If you can manage that, good for you! I was certainly not trying to gain so much but it happened anyway. I think I gained so much because I craved peanut butter and dairy like crazy, and that’s probably because my body was craving protein and I don’t like meat. Luckily for me I’m only 12 pounds away from my pre-baby weight after 9 weeks. I haven’t been able to exercise because of my c-section (although I don’t think I’d have had time to anyway). I think breastfeeding has helped a lot in combination with having to walk around and rock Giacomo to make him stop crying. Whoa! I just realized the benefit of a crying baby! 😉

Wow!

Wow!

Using my Cricut Explore for Giacomo’s First Craft Project

I’ve been dying to use my Christmas gift since Christmas, the new Cricut Explore. I had a Cricut Expressions and thought it was silly to buy a new machine, but I wanted the new model so badly! It has easy material settings, can cut, score, and write on all kinds of material, and the design space online is awesome. All cartridges are uploaded into one space, and you can use multiple cartridges at once while designing each project.  I was so excited when Matt got it for me for Christmas.

I haven’t had the time to play with it until our recently. Giacomo takes up lots of time, and I had to wait for a day Matt was off of work. I started a simple design for Giacomo’s first craft project!  I saw the idea on Pinterest, of course.

Hand Sign

The phrase reads: First we had each other (12/12/00), Then we had you (12/12/14), Now we have everything.

We did the hand prints first. Matt’s first, then mine, then Giacomo’s tiny hand! How cute! I had to wait for him to sleep to do it, but it was still a bit difficult ( I see now why there are so many baby feet crafts as opposed to hand crafts). I did two signs in case one got messed up. Both came out great, so one will go into his memory box and one into his scrapbook.

After the hand prints dried I loaded the pages for the Cricut. I wrote the phrase directly on the page because I didn’t want to cut the letters and have to glue them onto the page, plus I wanted to try out the silver pen the machine came with. Loading the pen is easy. The Explore has a separate pen loading spot because it can simultaneously write and cut.

Cricut Pen

I used the design space to figure out where I wanted the phrase. In hindsight, I should have done the writing first and put the handprints around the phrases, but this happened to work out.

When designing something in design space, if you want your design to print and cut exactly as it looks on screen, you have to select all your design boxes and attach them in the layers panel.  This is as opposed to cutting to conserve paper, like if you were going to glue letters onto a bigger project.

attach

Just hit print and go! I think it came out great.

print Printing

I put one copy on the lid of his memory box.

Memory Box

So far, his box has his birth announcement, the box of chocolate cigars, His first little toy my niece got him, his hospital bracelets, his first Christmas hat, and the first blanket, shirt, hat, socks, and gloves from the hospital.

Memory Box

So far the box fits right on his bookshelf. Hopefully I won’t need a bigger box by the end of the year!

Memory Box

Texas Craft House

blood, sweat, and glitter y'all