Tomorrow is the big day! Daisy will be here, and I finally get to meet her. Because I am at a higher risk for suffering from a ruptured uterus and preeclampsia, we have a scheduled C-section for tomorrow at noon. I am everything at once.
I am nervous about having a surgery, and I am even more nervous about the recovery. Taking care of 2 children while recovering from a major surgery will be difficult enough, but I am also so nervous that Jack will not understand why I can’t lift him. I am so nervous he will be hurt and resentful because of it.
I am curious to meet my little girl. What will she look like? How will she act? Will she be a good baby? Will she be colic like Jack? Will she and Jack be friends?
I am sad. My baby won’t be my only baby anymore. I love him more than anything in the world, and I am nervous my heart won’t explode again, the way it did when I first saw him. But I know it will. How could it not? I didn’t have any idea, no one does. You hear it over and over again by people how wonderful it is. I was so scared I wouldn’t love my baby. But I did, and I still do. Now I get told over and over again that I will love my second baby as much as my first. So I know I will, but until it happens I am sad that I can’t understand it now. I am also sad that pregnancy will be over. Even with the constant heartburn and backaches, I love feeling my baby inside me. I am really going to miss those kicks.
I am excited. A little girl! A daughter to share my girliness with. Flowers and tea parties can now compliment my son’s trucks and superheroes. A princess to schmooze her daddy. I know I’ll be tougher on a girl because I am a tough girl myself, and I want her to be tough too. I also know I’m a softie for my little boy. I’m excited that Matt will get to understand the feeling too. He is the “tough one” with Jack, but he’ll melt for a little girl.
I am everything at once right now, and all I can do to calm down is write this and watch my Jack sleep.
I spent the last week really focusing on spending time with Giacomo. In the weeks to come, he will not have as much attention as he’s used to. It will be an adjustment for the both of us. I already imagine the little spare time I have vanishing from existence, because my time will be divided to two little people, not just one.
He will never remember what it was like to be an only child. We planned this on purpose. I always thought it was strange when people would criticize those who have children close in age because Child A didn’t have enough time with the attention all to his/herself. No one besides the oldest ever knows what it’s like to have the attention all to his/herself. I am the youngest of 3 and Matt is 3rd of 6. We never had attention completely to ourselves.
But now that I’m a parent I get it, albeit just a little. I want to give Jack all my attention and I know that won’t be possible anymore. So instead I snuggled him all week. I played with him when I should have been cleaning. I danced with him when I should have been packing. I watched him sleep when I should have been cooking backup freezer dinners for the next few weeks. But I don’t care. My bag eventually got packed and my house clean. Giacomo is my joy. The best thing I ever did with my life, and I’m about to add another best thing to my resume. In just a few more hours life will be forever changed.
Until then, I am going to soak up these small delights in my life while I only have a few more hours to do so: watching my only child sleep and feeling my daughter’s kicks in my belly.
