I have a cloth hammock that envelopes your entire body and can hide you from the outside world. Usually the second I even think of going on it the kids crawl in on top of me (they don’t ever do that to Matt, btw). I told them they couldn’t bother me because they’re all wet from playing on their waterslide. Summer vacation will be officially over and I just want to lay here and listen to their giggles and chatter while they run from the water to the tent set up from last night’s failed “camping” attempt. Really though, I don’t want them to lay with me because I don’t want them to see me cry. It feels like have been crying for days.
Another school year is starting. Everything moves so much faster when you have little humans changing quickly right before your eyes. You realize how fleeting time is, how they’ll never be this small ever again. How you are their favorite person but soon enough you will be an afterthought. The start of Kindergarten especially reminds moms that their baby is growing up.
I said to Daisy “I can’t believe you are getting so big so fast! Kindergarten means you’re officially a big kid!”
“Yeah,” she replied. “I’m going to miss being a baby.”
I am going to miss it too, princess. It’s hard to let go.
But I am not just letting go of one baby. Giacomo is going into 1st grade, and while he was in Kindergarten last year, because of COVID he learned virtually from home. I was there to help him navigate his lessons, learn new skills, apply himself in his schoolwork. So even though Jack is a “big kid” going into 1st grade, for me it feels like I am letting two of my babies go for the first time.
Moms have been sending their kids off to school forever. We all have the same worries. Will they make friends? Will they do well academically? Will they miss home? Will they get lost? Will they like it? Did I send them in with enough to eat? Did I give them a big enough water bottle? Did I prepare them for bullies or awkward situations? Did I instill enough values that will make them be the kind, helpful kid? Did I make sure they know how much I love them?
These are anxious thoughts I knew I would have since the first time I left my kids to go to work. I was prepared for these thoughts. I saw them coming. However, I have NOT been prepared to let 2 children go at once. Even worse, I have not been prepared for the other massive fear I and so many other moms have. The fear of stupid COVID.
I know. I’ve heard the arguments before. “Kids only get mild symptoms.” “It has a 99% survival rate.” “Death in kids is rare unless there are underlying conditions.” Underlying conditions. Conditions like my youngest daughter’s, one that is normally manageable and changes her life in no real, dangerous way except for some medication, breathing treatments a few times a day, and a trip to the pulmonologist twice a year. She still is just as smart, as playful, as sweet, as curious, as silly, as innocent as any other child. Except now if she does get sick, her illness will be brushed aside with a handwave and “not really count” in the eyes of people who are uncomfortable with confronting something dangerous.
Now, on top of my regular mom worries, I worry about the safety of my children. It is overwhelming. We seriously considered home schooling, but it isn’t feasible or fair. Jack and Daisy want to go to school, to make friends, to learn in a new environment from someone other than mom. They are so excited, and I am excited for them. But when I think about handing them over and entrusting their safety and wellbeing to someone else, it is physically painful.
But I am trying. I am hopeful. I know that my children deserve to get back to normal, even if normal now looks a little different than it used to. And they are ready. They are aware and responsible. They are brave and eager. This year they will learn new skills, absorb new information, make new friends, and I will learn to let go a little more. I will miss them being babies, but I am so excited to see them showcase all the things they learn. And I hope one day, when they are sad to see their own babies grow and go to school, they will appreciate how much weight their mom had in her head when her babies skipped off to school for the first time, carefree and ready to take on the world.
