Going Back to Work Monday Makes being a Mommy is Harder than I Thought

Soon I’ll be posting about the decor in Jack’s nursery, but it’s still a work in progress. Plus, I’ve been spending as much time as I can just being with my Mr. Man. I have to go back to work on Monday. I am dreading it. I should be happy to be returning to adult conversation and a fun job , but every time I think of leaving my little guy I start crying. Yesterday I was comparing these sad tears to my happy tears the night we brought him home.

I sat in his room with my pets at my feet, my husband at my side, and my baby in my arms. While I was sitting there, “Danny’s Song” popped into my head (I’d been watching a lot of Raising Hope), and even though I’ve heard that cheesy song a billion times before, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so blessed.

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

There’s nothing I could possibly say about that moment that has never been said before. There are so many common sayings about mom and baby that we’ve heard a million times, like it’s an unbreakable bond, or my baby knows the sound of my heart from the inside. I’ve heard these so often it almost takes away from the beauty of being a mother. That’s because none of the cliché sayings can do justice for the pure happiness of having this new little gift in your life. It is indescribable. Giacomo really is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

Tummy Time!

Tummy Time!

If I ever wondered what my heart and soul would look like if they were embodied into something physical, I couldn’t have possibly imagined until I saw my child. He is my whole of everything. I’m still amazed that he is even here.   I spend the day taking care of him and soothing him. He is a crier who wants nothing to do with a pacifier, so I spend a lot of the day rocking him, walking him around, and nursing him.

And now I have to go back to work. Jack’s crying has gotten a lot better, but I wish I had more time at home to help soothe him more. I know he’ll be in good hands, he’ll be staying with family, but I’m still anxious about him. I’m worried that he’ll feel like I’ve abandoned him or like I got tired of his crying and just passed him off to someone else. I remember being a little kid and just wanting my mom. I didn’t know my mom was probably wanting me just as much, probably more. I know he’s just a baby and doesn’t have these complex thoughts, but how do I know how do I know he’s not feeling that way? I just hope that being with family who love him helps.

I get really embarrassed when people see me cry. Even during my happy crying I talked about earlier I hid my face.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day on Monday without embarrassing myself and crying. The idea is so stressful that I actually started to break out in hives. I’ve only gotten stress hives 4 times in my life: our best friend’s sudden passing, when my house burned down, When I took on my wedding, Master’s thesis, and buying a home all in the same 2 months, and when I broke my patella. I guess going back to work is the 5th major stress of my life that causes an ugly, weird hive rash.  Sounds awesome, right?

I asked my Facebook mommy friends how they handled going back to work and it was unanimous. There’s no way to avoid feeling sad and I should let myself cry. I also realized that this is just practice for the future. One of my friends, my former professor, told me that parenthood basically boils down to learning how to let your child go over and over again. So maybe this is a good thing. One day Jack will go off to kindergarten. He’ll travel for a sports team. He’ll head to high school and spend all his time with his friends and girlfriend. He’ll leave for college. He’ll move out forever. I’ll never want to leave him; I’ll always want to be there for him and make his life easier.  I’ll always have to. These small goodbyes will happen all throughout his life, and I’ll have to start getting used to the emotions of being a parent and the reality that I will be crying a bit more.

If you are a stay at home mom, know that I am incredibly jealous of you. I would love to stay at home and take care of Jack as my full-time job, but I have those stupid things called bills that need to be paid. I am trying to be positive by thinking things like now I can have a nice savings for Jack’s college, or now he will get a chance to look forward to seeing me and he’s so young he won’t remember the separation. It’s still so tough.

Do you know what else is making letting go a bit easier? Stepbrothers. It just came on. I don’t want Giacomo to turn out like Dale or Brennan. As much as I love laughing at the shenanigans, I will smack the sh*t out of Jack if he’s destroying my house, freezing my purse, and crashing my boat at 40 years old.

My babes

My babes

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Grinch Ornaments for Giacomo’s 1st Birthday | My *Asterisk* Life

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