My Co-Sleeping “Problem”

The other night at around 3am, Jack crawled into our bed and wiggled his way between me and Matt. This isn’t unusual. He does this almost every night. Daisy sleeps in our room too. She’s always snuggled up on my left and Jack to my right. My husband and I can barely move.

We never planned on co-sleeping, but when nursing, especially a colic baby, it sometimes just happens. I didn’t expect to love it either. Before, the idea of cramping into a tiny space and barely being able to move sounded less than appealing. But now, I think of how I can snuggle their tiny baby bodies and smell their sweet heads uninterrupted as they dream.

Isn’t that weird how some things change? Everything changes from enjoying a cramped sleeping space to the meaning of songs. Their crawling into our bed reminded me of the (very famous love) song “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and how its meaning has completely changed for me. I remember when Armageddon was the blockbuster movie with the #1 love song sung by the main actress’s father. I distinctly remember an interview where Steven Tyler explained that he didn’t originally want to sing the song, but after seeing the movie and seeing his real life daughter cry to her in-movie father he was brought to tears and agreed to perform the song. When I was 13, I thought he just wanted to sing a song for his daughter’s movie. I didn’t realize how relatable he could see the lyrics as a parent.

Good Morning

I wake up to these silly faces every morning

This is intended to be a romantic love song, even the writer’s inspiration is a romantic one. I’ve heard it at school dances, on love song albums, and as many couples’ wedding song. But I think anyone who watches their baby sleep knows exactly what I am talking about. When my kids crawl into my bed, I watch them breathe and feel their little heartbeats while I snuggle them close, kiss them, and thank God for them every day. They won’t be sneaking in our room forever. Soon enough I won’t even be able to get a hug and kiss, or even a conversation without asking first. So I enjoy being cramped in my bed right now.

Sweet Dreams

And watch these sweet faces dream every night

But there’s a problem with thus and my big, silly, mom worry moves into my head. Baby #3 is coming very soon. Jack stays on my right and Daisy on my left. Where does #3 go when he or she wants to come in our room? Will I have to kick someone out? Will someone feel rejected? I only have two sides! I don’t want to miss any of them while I don’t have to. If you don’t ever co-sleep, this probably sounds ridiculous to you. I understand that. Before I had kids, even while I was pregnant with Jack, I knew we were not going to co-sleep. It was weird, and I liked my space while sleeping. But it just happened, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

PS – if you’re wondering how my poor husband feels about being squished in bed, I will not let him fool you. He’ll say the bed is too small and joke that he almost falls off the bed, but he’ll also panic if he wakes up and no one has crawled into bed. He’ll even offer to bring one of the kids in the room if they fall asleep on Jack’s bed together. This was my Valentine’s gift for him this year. The little mouse family are asleep in one bed with mommy and daddy mouse separated by little mouse babies. But at the end of the bed, their tails are touching. It was such a sweet reminder of our own nightly ritual. We know we can enjoy baby snuggles now because we always have each other anyway. My husband’s reaction to the gift was “we need to find a third baby muse to add to this,” so I know he is okay with it.

The Honeymoon is Over

We’ll be adding one more mouse to this soon

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Going Back to Work Monday Makes being a Mommy is Harder than I Thought

Soon I’ll be posting about the decor in Jack’s nursery, but it’s still a work in progress. Plus, I’ve been spending as much time as I can just being with my Mr. Man. I have to go back to work on Monday. I am dreading it. I should be happy to be returning to adult conversation and a fun job , but every time I think of leaving my little guy I start crying. Yesterday I was comparing these sad tears to my happy tears the night we brought him home.

I sat in his room with my pets at my feet, my husband at my side, and my baby in my arms. While I was sitting there, “Danny’s Song” popped into my head (I’d been watching a lot of Raising Hope), and even though I’ve heard that cheesy song a billion times before, I couldn’t stop crying. I felt so blessed.

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

The day we brought Jack home: Lilu meets Jack

There’s nothing I could possibly say about that moment that has never been said before. There are so many common sayings about mom and baby that we’ve heard a million times, like it’s an unbreakable bond, or my baby knows the sound of my heart from the inside. I’ve heard these so often it almost takes away from the beauty of being a mother. That’s because none of the cliché sayings can do justice for the pure happiness of having this new little gift in your life. It is indescribable. Giacomo really is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.

Tummy Time!

Tummy Time!

If I ever wondered what my heart and soul would look like if they were embodied into something physical, I couldn’t have possibly imagined until I saw my child. He is my whole of everything. I’m still amazed that he is even here.   I spend the day taking care of him and soothing him. He is a crier who wants nothing to do with a pacifier, so I spend a lot of the day rocking him, walking him around, and nursing him.

And now I have to go back to work. Jack’s crying has gotten a lot better, but I wish I had more time at home to help soothe him more. I know he’ll be in good hands, he’ll be staying with family, but I’m still anxious about him. I’m worried that he’ll feel like I’ve abandoned him or like I got tired of his crying and just passed him off to someone else. I remember being a little kid and just wanting my mom. I didn’t know my mom was probably wanting me just as much, probably more. I know he’s just a baby and doesn’t have these complex thoughts, but how do I know how do I know he’s not feeling that way? I just hope that being with family who love him helps.

I get really embarrassed when people see me cry. Even during my happy crying I talked about earlier I hid my face.  I don’t know how I’m going to get through the day on Monday without embarrassing myself and crying. The idea is so stressful that I actually started to break out in hives. I’ve only gotten stress hives 4 times in my life: our best friend’s sudden passing, when my house burned down, When I took on my wedding, Master’s thesis, and buying a home all in the same 2 months, and when I broke my patella. I guess going back to work is the 5th major stress of my life that causes an ugly, weird hive rash.  Sounds awesome, right?

I asked my Facebook mommy friends how they handled going back to work and it was unanimous. There’s no way to avoid feeling sad and I should let myself cry. I also realized that this is just practice for the future. One of my friends, my former professor, told me that parenthood basically boils down to learning how to let your child go over and over again. So maybe this is a good thing. One day Jack will go off to kindergarten. He’ll travel for a sports team. He’ll head to high school and spend all his time with his friends and girlfriend. He’ll leave for college. He’ll move out forever. I’ll never want to leave him; I’ll always want to be there for him and make his life easier.  I’ll always have to. These small goodbyes will happen all throughout his life, and I’ll have to start getting used to the emotions of being a parent and the reality that I will be crying a bit more.

If you are a stay at home mom, know that I am incredibly jealous of you. I would love to stay at home and take care of Jack as my full-time job, but I have those stupid things called bills that need to be paid. I am trying to be positive by thinking things like now I can have a nice savings for Jack’s college, or now he will get a chance to look forward to seeing me and he’s so young he won’t remember the separation. It’s still so tough.

Do you know what else is making letting go a bit easier? Stepbrothers. It just came on. I don’t want Giacomo to turn out like Dale or Brennan. As much as I love laughing at the shenanigans, I will smack the sh*t out of Jack if he’s destroying my house, freezing my purse, and crashing my boat at 40 years old.

My babes

My babes

Texas Craft House

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